Lethal Dose

Patron saints of cobblers and shoes!

Martyrs of the Early Church who were beheaded during the reign of Diocletian; the date of their execution is given as 25 October, 285 or 286. It is stated that they were brothers, but the fact has not been positively proved. The legend relates that they were Romans of distinguished descent who went as missionaries of the Christian Faith to Gaul and chose Soissons as their field of labour. In imitation of St. Paul they worked with their hands, making shoes, and earned enough by their trade to support themselves and also to aid the poor.

Naturally they suffered horrible torments, otherwise they wouldn’t be saints:

Under the order of Rictiovarus they were stretched on the rack, thongs were cut from their flesh, and awls were driven under their finger-nails. A millstone was then fastened about the neck of each, and they were thrown into the Aisne, but they were able to swim to the opposite bank of the river. In the same manner they suffered no harm from a great fire in which Rictiovarus, in despair, sought death himself. Afterwards the two saints were beheaded at the command of Maximianus.

Oh my lord! So when you buckle your sandals or slip on your pumps - think of C & C.

Biba shoes from Fabulon, natch.

Saint Paul (aka Saul) is for fear of snakes as well as the patron of Hospital Public Relations workers, but any Patron Saint of fear of wasps appeals to me more, and that is one Saint Friard:

Saint Friard
Born 511 at Bresne, France/Died 577 of natural causes (I know, no fun)
Memorial 1 August

Hermit on the island of Vindomitte, France. Friend of Saint Secundel. When tormented for his piety, a cloud of wasps attacked his tormenters; when Friard prayed for them, the wasps left. (So many questions! How can a hermit have a friend? Well, the friend was a saint too, so I guess that’s a fine exception. Did Friard pray for the tormenters, or the wasps? And how do you get a cloud of wasps to attack tormenters, anyway?)

Patronage: against spheksophobia (fear of wasps) spheksophobics

I couldn’t find any images of him, so here’s Susan Cabot in The Wasp Woman directed by one of my favorites, Jack Hill (and Roger Corman, who got credit.)

I know I usually post Saints who have died grim deaths, so here’s a handy list of people tormented for their piety.

… doesn’t mean you can’t be well groomed! “Do you want a manicure to go with that stigmata?”

ROME (Reuters) - The body of the mystic monk Padre Pio, one of the Roman Catholic world’s most revered saints who died 40 years ago, has been exhumed to be prepared for display to his many devotees.

The body of the Capuchin friar, who was said to have had the stigmata — the wounds of Christ’s crucifixion — on his hands and feet — is to be conserved and put in a part-glass coffin for at least several months from April 24.

A Church statement said the body was in “fair condition”, particularly the hands, which Archbishop Domenico D’Ambrosio, who witnessed the exhumation in the southern Italian town where Pio died, said “looked like they had just undergone a manicure”.

A spokesman for the monastery at San Giovanni Rotondo said he believed morticians would be able to conserve the face of the bearded monk well enough for it to be recognizable.

Let’s call him and ask him!

Hagiography is the study of saints.
A hagiography refers literally to writings on the subject of such holy people

HAG !

ie:
Adapted from Franz Werfel’s book, the 1943 film of “The Song of Bernadette” , was nominated for twelve Academy Awards; and Jennnifer Jones won the Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Bernadette. The film begins with: “For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who do not believe, no explanation is possible”.

So now I can put my profession as “hagiographer.”

ROME (Reuters) - If you are a Catholic looking for a saint in heaven to protect you, you no longer have to carry a small “holy card”. You can get the image sent to your cellphone.

A company in Italy started offering the service on Tuesday but ran into opposition from some Catholic Church leaders who think the idea is crass and commercial.

“We found a need and filled it,” Barbara Labate, who came up with the idea with her business partner in a cellphone services company based in Milan, told Reuters by telephone.

Many taxis, private cars and trucks in Italy have a small picture of a saint — known as a “santino” or little saint — taped to the dashboard. Millions of Italians also keep wrinkled and worn “santini” in their wallets or handbags.

“We are merely catching up with the times. I think this will appeal to young people as well as grandmothers,” Labate said.

The company started the service with 15 saints on offer and Labate said the hallowed catalogue will grow. The downloading service, done by sending a text message to a phone number, costs three euros ($4.42). The Web site is santiprotettori.com

Nearly every shop near the Vatican sells paper “santini” but not everyone in the Church thinks cellphones and saints are a marriage made in heaven.

“This is in really bad taste,” Bishop Lucio Soravito De Franceschi, a member of the Italian bishops conference committee for doctrinal matters, told the Turin newspaper La Stampa.

“It is a distortion of sacred things … selling ’santini’ for cell phones is horrifying,” he said.

But Labate, who is Sicilian and recalls how her mother gave her a “santino” to put in her luggage when she traveled, rejected the criticism.

“We are simply offering a service to the faithful. We are doing this with the maximum respect, dignity and professionalism for believers,” she said.

One popular saint in Italy is St Christopher, the patron saint of safe travel. Other favorites are St Lucy, patroness of good eyesight and St Pio of Petralcina, the 20th century monk who was said to have had the wounds of Christ.

Labate has also put “possible future saints” in her initial catalogue. They include the late Pope John Paul, who has already been put on the road to sainthood, as well as the current pontiff, Pope Benedict.

Jesus and the Madonna are also for sale.

Now, wait - didn’t they get rid of St. Christopher? What’s wrong with a santini on your phone? I’d get one … I put little saint stickers all over everything anyway.

Hey, the Chocolate Jesus returns - and with some new pals. Sounds like they’ve already suffered some persecution, being nibbled at by mice and all:

The exhibit, at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan, will be accompanied by a set of chocolate Catholic icons created by Cavallaro, a group that includes the Virgin Mary and saints Francis, Augustine, Michael, Jude, Anthony and Fermin.

“After the cancellation of the show, it got me to look into the Catholic religion a little deeper,” Cavallero said. “I started thinking about the saints, how they were ostracized for their beliefs and then canonized.”

Cavallaro’s work features Christ with outstretched arms, as though hanging from an invisible cross. Unlike traditional religious depictions of Christ, Cavallaro’s Jesus lacks a loincloth.

The sculpture is actually a new version of “My Sweet Lord,” created with 200 pounds of chocolate over three days. The original was stored in a Brooklyn facility where mice nibbled away at its hands, ears, nose and feet, forcing Cavallaro to toss the original and recast the sculpture.

(Sure it wasn’t Saint Vermin?)

Let’s break down this little Whitman’s Sampler of Catholics and see who’s who, with assorted flavor guesses:

St. Francis: He of the animals. He fed poor people and wasn’t even really a monk, but the Church pretended he was after he was dead so they could keep him in the family. You know he’s deliciously sweet milk chocolate from Italy.

St. Augustine: No, not patron saint of retirees. St Augustine of Hippo (which is what you’ll become if you eat a lot of chocolate saints) “framed the concepts of original sin and just war. In addition he believed in Papal supremacy.” No! He’s obviously the hollow, milk-chocolate version with blue sugar-candy eyeballs.

St. Michael: He’s a badass: his name was said to have been the war-cry of the angels in the battle fought in heaven against Satan and his followers. My guess is bitter chocolate.

St. Jude: Patron saint of lost causes and those who put “thank you St Jude” ads in the back of newspapers. Most likely old, crumbly Russell Stover-variety with some undefined pink-creme filling that an aging relative would give you.

St. Anthony: Patron saint of lost keys. And he hangs with the Baby Jesus! My personal favorite and probably filled with a luscious hazelnut cream, like “Baci” candies.

St. Fermin: I’ve never even heard of him! “Fermin is the co-patron of Pamplona, where his feast, the ‘San Fermín’, is forever associated with the Encierro or ‘Running of the Bulls’ … martyred (traditionally in 257 AD), by being tied to a bull by his feet and dragged to his death” - ouch! You know he’s one of those icky cherry-filled gloopy candies you see at the store, but never buy, because it looks like drool.

The Virgin Mary: Oh come on, you know her! The purest of chocolate with a grace filling, natch, however, it contains heavy preservatives: “Roman Catholics believe in the Immaculate Conception of Mary, namely that she was filled with grace from the very moment of her conception in her mother’s womb and preserved from the stain of original sin.” On that note, it will not stain any clothing.

Patron saint of bells (tho it really should be breasts, in honor Natl Breast Cancer month) and fire! Hell’s Bells!

Following a familiar theme, our Saint of the Week starts out with the usual born-into-privilege-and-pledged-to-God business:

She belonged to a rich, important family. When she was young, she dedicated her life to God and resisted any men who wanted to marry her or have sex with her. One of these men, Quintian, was of a high enough rank that he felt he could force her to acquiesce. Knowing she was a Christian in a time of persecution, he had her arrested and brought before the judge - - himself. He expected her to give in to when faced with torture and possible death, but she simply affirmed her belief in God by praying: “Jesus Christ, Lord of all, you see my heart, you know my desires. Possess all that I am. I am your sheep: make me worthy to overcome the devil.”

I don’t think calling yourself a sheep is a good way to avoid sex with a guy that would take you to court. He’s obviously not in his right mind to begin with! Look what smarty-pants Quintain does next:

Quintian imprisoned her in a brothel in order to get her to change her mind. Quintian brought her back before him after she had suffered a month of assault and humiliation in the brothel, but Agatha had never wavered, proclaiming that her freedom came from Jesus. Quintian sent her to prison, instead of back to the brothel — a move intended to make her more afraid, but which probably was a great relief to her. When she continued to profess her faith in Jesus, Quintian had her tortured. He refused her any medical care but God gave her all the care she needed in the form of a vision of St. Peter. When she was tortured again, she died after saying a final prayer: “Lord, my Creator, you have always protected me from the cradle; you have taken me from the love of the world and given me patience to suffer. Receive my soul.”

Who is this guy Quintian and wasn’t anyone else around? Imprisoning someone in a brothel is not really the way to get someone to have sex with you. One entry says:

“On her appearance, Quintianus gave orders for her being put into the hands of Aphrodisia, a most wicked woman, who, with six daughters, all prostitutes, kept a common stew.”

I like this version better, at least she’s with other women and they have food. The good thing with saints is that you can shop for the versions you like. One says she got away without any torture at all:

Legend has it that Agatha was arrested as a Christian, tortured and sent to a house of prostitution to be mistreated. She was preserved from being violated, and was later put to death.

That’s no fun, so let’s get back to the bad news:

Because one of the tortures she supposedly suffered was to have her breasts cut off, she was often depicted carrying her breasts on a plate. It is thought that blessing of the bread that takes place on her feast may have come from the mistaken notion that she was carrying loaves of bread. Because she was asked for help during the eruption of Mount Etna she is considered a protector against the outbreak of fire. She is also considered the patroness of bellmakers for an unknown reason — though some speculate it may have something to do with the fact that bells were used as fire alarms.

aka Saint Elmo, yes, he of the fire. But I bet what you didn’t know is that Saint Elmo/Erasmus is the Patron Saint of Ammunition/Ordnance/explosive workers (and more)! Next time someone dynamites through rocks, uses a jackhammer, or tears down a building, offer up a little prayer to Saint Erasmus, who is also the patron saint of abdominal pains (presumably, which occur when an explosion goes wrong.) Actually, that’s because “at one time he had hot iron hooks stuck into his intestines by persecutors under Emperor Diocletian. These wounds he miraculously endured.” Ouch! How do persecutors think these things up?

St. E gets hooked.

Our S of the W is a busy fella with lots of nicknames:

Patronage
abdominal pains, ammunition workers, appendicitis, birth pains, boatmen, childbirth, childhood intestinal disease, colic, danger at sea, explosives workers, Gaeta, Italy, intestinal disorders, mariners, navigators, ordnance workers, sailors, seasickness, stomach diseases, storms, watermen, women in labour.

(No, I don’t see erasers in the list.)

Also known as Elmo; Eramo; Erarmo; Ermo; Herasmus; Rasimus; Rasmus; Telmo .

Bishop of Formiae, Campagna, Italy. Fled to Mount Lebanon in the persecutions of emperor Diocletian; was fed by a raven so he could stay in hiding. Discovered, he was imprisoned; an angel rescued him. Recaptured, he was martyred. One of the Fourteen Holy Helpers. Namesake for the static electric discharge called Saint Elmo’s Fire. Disemboweled c.303 at Formiae, Italy

Who are the Fourteen Holy Helpers and can I buy some at my local supermarket?

Constance Bennett illustrates for us, and I couldn’t agree more.

Oh! Eve and I are so happy, someone finally posted this on YouTube. It’s been one of our favorites for years. I wish she would have gone on for hours … in fact, I wish I was Constance Bennett!

“Wishing you loads and loads of loveliness”

Now, he’s a “proposed” Saint. How do you do that? Do they have a little wooden box at the Vatican that you can fill with ideas?

Saint Isidore of Seville Sanctus Isidorus Hispalensis
Proposed Patron Saint of Internet Users

(c.560 - 636)

A Prayer before Logging onto the Internet and the Catholic Online Forum (which is where i found this.)

Almighty and eternal God,
who created us in Thy image and bade us to seek after all that is good,
true and beautiful,
especially in the divine person of Thy only-begotten Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ,
grant we beseech Thee that,
through the intercession of Saint Isidore,
bishop and doctor,
during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee
and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen