Lethal Dose

In “Here Comes the Judge” news, she’s been all over the news and there are more photos, including glamour shots with, natch, red lipstick (to match her scooter, I imagine.) Michael’s right … if only Edith Massey were still with us - this Judge is Queen Carlotta! Maybe she’ll declare it backwards day. She has a website!

I’m fighting off a cold, which means it’s just sitting in my upper chest making me feel all dry and “dusty” and horrible. The pup continues his 5AM wakeup call, bright eyed and bushy tailed (well, not really - pit bulls don’t have bushy tails) and ready to meet the world. You don’t argue with a crybaby pit bull even if it is 5AM and you’ve been having dreams about running thru NY’s garment district in a stretchy dress that’s far too small on your way to play board games at friend’s house, who takes pity on you and gives you a bedspread to wear as you follow the trail of a filmmaker that made a movie with Christopher Walken that even you’ve never heard of, because he made “underground” films that you only know about from strange flyers pasted on telephone poles; or you are resting in a Starbucks blue velvet couches, piles of fashion magazines, after spending a long night on Tenth Avenue in some kind of time warp, where you are going from club to club and Al Pacino is the barker for a porno theater that you have to keep passing on your way between clubs and you finally pack your stuff to leave, but it’s raining, and your car doors (which seems to be an early 70s green Ford LTD) won’t lock, and a couple tries to climb in so you have to drive away. Later, you end up in a period costume drama with Barbara Windsor where you get to wear medieval era outfits and you win a prize!

I’m cleansing my mind with this:
And One Was Beautiful
“A glamour girl loses a playboy (Bob Cummings!) to her shy sister and lets him take the rap for a hit and run accident.” Billie Burke is the mother and needs spirits of ammonia because of her nervous swooning when she’s not knitting or tut-tutting her girls (Laraine Day and Jean Muir) over their foolish choices. It’s filled with great dialogue:

Cummings to bad girl: “I don’t love you anymore. You’re beautiful and exciting, but prison gives you a new set of values. I don’t have much use for you.”

Cummings to good girl: “You little idiot, don’t you know I love you?”

Duchess

Main Entry:
duch·ess
Pronunciation:
\ˈdə-chəs\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English duchesse, from Anglo-French, from duc duke
Date:
14th century

1 : the wife or widow of a duke
2 : a woman who holds the rank of duke in her own right

A store opened near my house called “Royal Dutchess.” I watched the paint job, I saw the letter, I wondered if Fergie had something to do with it, because her solo record and nickname is “The Dutchess”, too. When did the letter “t” get in there? Being a Duchess has nothing to do with being Dutch; you don’t see “Printcess” misspelled anywhere, do you? What is wrong with people? Google the misspelled “Dutchess” and you’ll get lots of hits. Can you imagine if Wallis Simpson was called “The Dutchess of Windsor”? Come on!

There’s only one tea in our house, dear.

Maybe I should put these inside tea bag labels or fortune cookies.

If you are home from work, the leaf-blowers come, and work slowly.

If you are on vacation, the men with chainsaws will work on trees near your house for a week.

If you have the flu and are out of work, both of these things are possible.

If you have the flu and are out of work and go to the gym to use the sauna, there will be workmen and the spa will be closed. That’s good, because you will also forget your towel and flip-flops, even though your germ-phobia has not prevented you from getting sick.

If you have the flu and are out of work and own a giant pit bull, little dogs will fuck with you when you are walking him. If you are sick and out of work and own a giant pit bull and forgot a doggie bag, he will take a big poop on someone’s lawn just as they are getting home.

If there is a blackout and you are Mr. Lethal walking our pitbull in the dark, you will get invited to a swinger party.

I’ve been looking over my email and realized that I do answer a fair amount of questions from my friends/readers. I asked a few if I could print them, using fake names, and they graciously agreed. Here’s a few, for your enjoyment.

Is it wrong to watch porn when my significant other is asleep? — Rocco S.

Dear Rocco,

NO! Be polite, though, and wear headphones if you’re at the computer. But don’t be one of those annoying people that “sing” with headphones on.

I can now count at least 6 of my exes on youtube. Does this mean I’m a slut? — TVToon

Dear TVT,

Well, I have a degree in Media Studies, so of course I don’t think you’re a slut - you’re just a resident of the global village. Reverse the situation and sing “It’s a Small World, After All” until you’ve gotten it out of your system. Best advice: just don’t look!

I have an ethical dilemma. I found a gift card to Macy’s and spent it (it had about $300 on it!) and now one of my gift-recipients wants to bring an item back. I’m afraid they’ll somehow find out that … well, you know. What should I do? — Sticky Fingers in Fresno

Dear Sticky,

Pretend that you have suddenly “gone green” and have gotten rid of all recyclable paper products and oops! the receipt must have gone with it. Be sure to use brown bags and “organic” materials the next time you see gift-recipient, and for the next occasion, buy them a gift card to Whole Foods. You can repay some “karma” that way too. Maybe.

My boyfriend does nothing but watch channel 62 (he doesn’t even speak Spanish!) and drink beer. If I’m lucky, he’ll head out for a taco or cigarettes but not for long. What should I do?

Can you get him to watch the Japanese or Indian channels for a bit of variety? Maybe he’s interested in culturally branching out … it certainly sounds like he’s adopting Mexican-American culture pretty well. If he won’t change the channel, unplug the set, don’t pay the cable bill, or take the satellite dish down. Or, you could just kick him out.