Lethal Dose

A girlfriend called last night in hysterics. She has a cold, so her rasping worried me for a second, until I realized she was laughing so hard that she was crying. She was in bed reading and came across one of the … well, what can I say? I laughed so hard I almost threw up. Not exactly what you want when you have the flu, but it sure made me feel better. “Babs” was kind enough to email it to me:

From Hattie: The Authorised Biography of Hattie Jacques, by Andy Merriman:

“After a huge delicious Christmas lunch that had included oysters, turkeys galore, all the trimmings, an array of fabulous puddings and desserts, Hattie would produce a yard-long chocolate log.”

But wait! it gets worse! She makes her grandmother eat it!

“When offered a piece, Adelaide said she couldn’t possibly eat another thing. Hattie wouldn’t take no for an answer, and Adelaide, finally yielding, agreed to a mouthful. ‘Alright . . . but it’s only to take the taste of the food away.’”

Hope you–unlike Adelaide–are feeling better–

–Babs Johnson

For the fourth day in a row I’ve been awoken by multiple chainsaws. The school nearby has been “tree trimming” but not the usual holiday style. By today, I was so enraged that I called the police, apologetically, because I can’t stand when people bother cops for stuff like that. I made sure to call the non-emergency number, where the Officer on duty told me that he was sorry, but tree-trimming is not illegal, unless on Sundays. I guess it’s just fine to employ three men with chainsaws when you’re on vacation, because you won’t hear them.

Last night, enjoying the quiet, we had a brown-out. All of the lights went dim, and the tv turned off. It stayed that way for a few hours, which was sort of interesting, actually, because the little string of blue xmas lights we have running over the bookcases dimmed down to the smallest blue glow. Mr. Lethal and the pup went out for their nightly walk and I admonished them to be careful. I was thinking of traffic.

On their return, Mr. L told me they had been invited to a swinger party. I assumed he was making an odd sort of joke, probably based on the recent “Life on Mars” episode. I mean, a guy walking a pit bull in the dark?

No joke. He was greeted on one of our leafy suburban streets with one of those “Hi-neighbor-i’ve-seen-you-around” that led to a “I’m having a big Christmas party tomorrow night” (?) that will consist of “lots of hot chicks.” If you could see the neighborhood it only makes it stranger. These houses are classic angeleno-surburban-upscale, with that only-in-LA-tasteful/overdone Christmas light displays in a land that has never seen snow. And with the brownout, it was pitch black. Mr Lethal demurred, citing Mrs Lethal at home.
“Oh, you can bring her!” Mr Neighbor enthused. Another man stood nearby. Mr L says that Neighbor reminded him of Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights, which makes perfect sense. Jack Horner around the corner!

I really want to go and peep in the windows, or at least park nearby to see the party guests.

“lots of hot chicks!”

Surprisingly, I’d never heard of this game until I came across it on a site that sells old board games:

Download before they remove the link! Too late. Find it on 1010WINS site. Italics all mine, natch.

NYC Catholic Coloring Book Warns Kids About Predators

NEW YORK (AP) — A new coloring book being distributed by the Archdiocese of New York uses a cartoon guardian angel to warn kids against predators in what is apparently the first such effort by a Roman Catholic diocese in the United States.

But the head of an advocacy group for victims of abuse by priests said the book should say explicitly that trusted adults — including priests — may be the abusers.

In the coloring book the perky guardian angel tells children not to keep secrets from their parents, not to meet anyone from an Internet chat room and to allow only “certain people” like a doctor or parent to see “where your bathing suit would be.”

In a comic book version for older kids, a teenager turns to St. Michael the Archangel for strength to report that two schoolmates are being sexually abused.

Joseph Zwilling, a spokesman for the archdiocese, said the books are new this fall and have been distributed to about 300 schools and 400 religious education programs to use as a resource.

“It’s to help young people to know situations they should not get into,” he said. “How to be safe — but to try to do it in an age-appropriate and sensitive way.”

Zwilling said the coloring book grew out of the archdiocese’s “safe environment” training program for adults such as coaches and parent volunteers who interact with children.

He said that as far as he knows, the coloring book is the first of its kind to be produced by church officials.

David Clohessy, national director of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, said he, too, was unaware of any similar effort.

Clohessy said that while he welcomes any attempt to teach children how to stay safe, he believes the coloring book should state more clearly that the predator is more likely to be a trusted adult than a stranger.

“There continues to be a bit of an overemphasis on stranger danger,” Clohessy said. “I think it would be most effective if it would say, ‘Not only strangers molest kids. Even adults you like and your parents respect — teachers, doctors, priests — can hurt kids.”’

Clohessy, who emerged as the most prominent victims’ spokesman after accusations of widespread abuse by priests shook the Catholic church in 2002, said the church’s steps to address the issue “were undertaken belatedly and begrudgingly and under external pressure.”

But Zwilling said the vast majority of priests are “good and holy men,” and he said it would have been inappropriate for the coloring book to single out priests as potential abusers.

“You don’t want to frighten children,” he said. “You also don’t want to stigmatize any group.”

The closest the coloring book comes to directly addressing the church abuse scandal is a picture of a second angel — not the guardian angel — grinning at a priest and an altar boy through a wide open door.

“For safety’s sake, a child and an adult shouldn’t be alone in a closed room together,” the text reads. “If a child and an adult happen to be alone, someone should know where they are and the door should be open or have a big window in it.”

Well, that doesn’t help - everyone knows angels can fly, stupid.

Taking some style tips from Chick Tracts?

2 SIU students accused of using hot cookies to burn man

November 7, 2007

EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. — Two students at Southern Illinois University in Edwardsville kidnapped, paddled and burned a young man with fresh-baked cookies after a drug deal went bad, prosecutors said. Rosario James, 23, and Jordan Sallis, 20, were charged Monday with aggravated kidnapping, robbery and aggravated battery.

Sheriff’s Capt. Brad Wells said that on Friday night, three men went to James’ house to buy marijuana, but two of them grabbed the drugs and fled. He said the suspects held the third man, demanded $400, beat the man with a wooden paddle, and burned his neck and shoulders with fresh-baked cookies. AP

I always called him “The Jack Nicholson of Allston.”

For all of us that knew and loved Bob and his almost-unbelievable life, I’ll toast him with one of his favorites, Johnnie Ray’s “The Little White Cloud That Cried.” I can hear him laughing now.

PS. I think I admired Bob most of all because he once went to Radio City on LSD, where Liberace flew out over the audience on diamond wings!

photo collage by MAbbott.

Aren’t we there already? Hell, I live in Los Angeles, so it sure seems like it to me. Tho I often have a hard time distinguishing between the glamorous and the goblins.

Glamour or Goblin? Or is it Goblin or Glamour? Tod Browning had it right!

The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures, according to a top scientist.

100,000 years into the future, sexual selection could mean that two distinct breeds of human will have developed.

The alarming prediction comes from evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry from the London School of Economics, who says that the human race will have reached its physical peak by the year 3000.

These humans will be between 6ft and 7ft tall and they will live up to 120 years.

“Physical features will be driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility that men and women have evolved to look for in potential mates,” says the report, which suggests that advances in cosmetic surgery and other body modifying techniques will effectively homogenise our appearance.

Men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and bigger penises, according to Curry in a report commissioned for men’s satellite TV channel Bravo.

Women will all have glossy hair, smooth hairless skin, large eyes and pert breasts, according to Curry.

Racial differences will be a thing of the past as interbreeding produces a single coffee-coloured skin tone.

The future for our descendants isn’t all long life, perfect bodies and chiselled features, however.

While humans will reach their peak in 1000 years’ time, 10,000 years later our reliance on technology will have begun to dramatically change our appearance.

Medicine will weaken our immune system and we will begin to appear more child-like.

Dr Curry said: “The report suggests that the future of man will be a story of the good, the bad and the ugly.”

Thanks to Jeremy Smears at World Famous in SF for this one!