Lethal Dose

I’m fascinated by Phineas Gage.

From TJB: Donna, please don’t hate me. Muscato tagged me, and I’m tagging you. It’s tag-team fabulosity.

My nearest book is SO fruity.

Okay, I’m sitting at my desk (at home) and there are a few books I keep on my desktop: all of Princess Luciana’s books, natch; “The Male Mystique: Men’s advertising in the 1970s” (no words, though); “A Dictionary of Saints,” “Bizarre: Vols. 14-26,” “Eat Your Troubles Away,” and “Zolar’s Message from the Stars.”

All would make a good choice, and all are equally close by. Is it cheating to pick one over the other? Why am I even concerned? Well … Princess Luciana is a regular feature, as are saints. Let’s go with “Eat Your Troubles Away,” which has a much better title than actual contents:

“A serious lack of manganese is accompanied by dizziness, poor elasticity in the muscles, tender eyeballs, confused thinking, poor memory. There is another side to manganese which we are just beginning to suspect.”

Oh no! I definitely suffer from tender eyeballs, because I must shut my eyes continually in shock from the fashion atrocities I witness daily in Los Angeles.

My aunt sent me one of those “helpful” emails about identifying the signs of a stroke. I replied to her: “Don’t send an unemployed hypochondriac these things.” She’ll probably reply, “Who?” but that doesn’t matter. I know if I read it (it came with helpful diagrams) I will soon start to feel those small signs of impending doom. Yesterday I thought was one of the crumbiest days yet of 2008 but then I heard the Heath Ledger news and realized that $500 of unexpected dental work + slamming your thumb in the car door while mailing your unemployment claim wasn’t the worst that could happen. Eve can’t crank the obits out fast enough and that one is just too damned sad to post. There’s info about Vampira’s memorial fund up at Vampira’s Attic so please check that out!

And on a much lighter note:

CROWSNEST PASS, Alberta — A paramedic who’s used to saving the lives of others found himself having to eat beaver and fend off snarling animals to ensure his own survival while trapped for 96 hours in Alberta bush country.

Oh and I’m blogging for a few other sites now, including a movie one, “Celluloid Slammer.” I found out via Flickr that there are folks into punishment by permanent. Yep, that’s right. Learn something new every day!

Every day, at work, my coworker and I comment on the smudgy finger marks on our computer screens. Every day we wipe them off.

This morning I came in and before I turned my computer on, I looked at it from the side and there they were: multiple little fingerprints, all over the screen.

I wiped them off again.

Now, I understand being an industrial cleaning service and why that job would suck. You throw away water bottles, people get mad. So you stop throwing them away. You get your kicks by throwing away their cups. Whatever. You want my crackers, go ahead, I don’t mind. I mean, just because you haven’t yet doesn’t mean you can’t. Fish oil tablets and vitamins? Help yourself! Spare makeup? Please! Anyone who knows me can tell you that I wish the entire world would wear makeup.

But why the smudgy fingerprints? Are you in here, late at night, with my computer on, pointing at something? Oh no, that just gave me a bad thought. Then again, if someone wanted to hang out and use my computer, they could find a much better office to do it in.

”

Break out the antibacterial spray, I’m on a tear.

I have hives.

Eve and I are chatting. “I’m convinced I have pneumonia, and the more symptoms I Google, the more of them I instantly develop,” she says.

I agree. Googling is the hypochondriac’s nightmare. What would Felix Unger do? I’m starting to google “hives” and suddenly I’m in trouble. What if I have them for life? Do I have the “right” kind? Let’s do an image search for hives:

Wow! How did she get here? Did Dolly have hives too?

Eve continues, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. If I don’t feel better tomorrow, I’ll call Dr. Bombay. I’m just getting over food poisoning, so that may be why I ache all over, too. We get no sick days here, so everyone comes in sick as pups. Do you have a good network of doctors out there? I love Dr. Bombay.”

We don’t have sick days either, but staying home with hives won’t do me any good. I would have too much time on my hands to think about how itchy I am. Eve has a good doctor despite her protests:

“You might add that Dr. Bombay will prescribe anything for me except laudanum, which I’ve been asking for for years. He insists they don’t make it anymore, but I think he’s just hoarding it all for himself.”