Lethal Dose

A girlfriend called last night in hysterics. She has a cold, so her rasping worried me for a second, until I realized she was laughing so hard that she was crying. She was in bed reading and came across one of the … well, what can I say? I laughed so hard I almost threw up. Not exactly what you want when you have the flu, but it sure made me feel better. “Babs” was kind enough to email it to me:

From Hattie: The Authorised Biography of Hattie Jacques, by Andy Merriman:

“After a huge delicious Christmas lunch that had included oysters, turkeys galore, all the trimmings, an array of fabulous puddings and desserts, Hattie would produce a yard-long chocolate log.”

But wait! it gets worse! She makes her grandmother eat it!

“When offered a piece, Adelaide said she couldn’t possibly eat another thing. Hattie wouldn’t take no for an answer, and Adelaide, finally yielding, agreed to a mouthful. ‘Alright . . . but it’s only to take the taste of the food away.’”

Hope you–unlike Adelaide–are feeling better–

–Babs Johnson

The other night dreamt I was chatting with Julie London in the early 1970s. She had on heavy false eyelashes like she’d wear when she and Bobby Troup were on “TattleTales.” We discussed makeup. Then the dream shifted to a few years ago, and Julie had passed away. I told Bobby Troup that it was a good thing that the Stones recorded “Route 66″ because I’m sure he got a mint in royalties from that alone. He thanked me for being concerned and said it was nice that I was friends with Julie.

Maybe I should put these inside tea bag labels or fortune cookies.

If you are home from work, the leaf-blowers come, and work slowly.

If you are on vacation, the men with chainsaws will work on trees near your house for a week.

If you have the flu and are out of work, both of these things are possible.

If you have the flu and are out of work and go to the gym to use the sauna, there will be workmen and the spa will be closed. That’s good, because you will also forget your towel and flip-flops, even though your germ-phobia has not prevented you from getting sick.

If you have the flu and are out of work and own a giant pit bull, little dogs will fuck with you when you are walking him. If you are sick and out of work and own a giant pit bull and forgot a doggie bag, he will take a big poop on someone’s lawn just as they are getting home.

If there is a blackout and you are Mr. Lethal walking our pitbull in the dark, you will get invited to a swinger party.

I’ve been looking over my email and realized that I do answer a fair amount of questions from my friends/readers. I asked a few if I could print them, using fake names, and they graciously agreed. Here’s a few, for your enjoyment.

Is it wrong to watch porn when my significant other is asleep? — Rocco S.

Dear Rocco,

NO! Be polite, though, and wear headphones if you’re at the computer. But don’t be one of those annoying people that “sing” with headphones on.

I can now count at least 6 of my exes on youtube. Does this mean I’m a slut? — TVToon

Dear TVT,

Well, I have a degree in Media Studies, so of course I don’t think you’re a slut - you’re just a resident of the global village. Reverse the situation and sing “It’s a Small World, After All” until you’ve gotten it out of your system. Best advice: just don’t look!

I have an ethical dilemma. I found a gift card to Macy’s and spent it (it had about $300 on it!) and now one of my gift-recipients wants to bring an item back. I’m afraid they’ll somehow find out that … well, you know. What should I do? — Sticky Fingers in Fresno

Dear Sticky,

Pretend that you have suddenly “gone green” and have gotten rid of all recyclable paper products and oops! the receipt must have gone with it. Be sure to use brown bags and “organic” materials the next time you see gift-recipient, and for the next occasion, buy them a gift card to Whole Foods. You can repay some “karma” that way too. Maybe.

My boyfriend does nothing but watch channel 62 (he doesn’t even speak Spanish!) and drink beer. If I’m lucky, he’ll head out for a taco or cigarettes but not for long. What should I do?

Can you get him to watch the Japanese or Indian channels for a bit of variety? Maybe he’s interested in culturally branching out … it certainly sounds like he’s adopting Mexican-American culture pretty well. If he won’t change the channel, unplug the set, don’t pay the cable bill, or take the satellite dish down. Or, you could just kick him out.

wha?

Oddly, “96 Tears” was 1 the day I was born.

Just think if you mix up the titles … “Keep your hands off my sexy marshmallow,” maybe? “96 Tears in my eyes” … “I’ve sold my saddle for an old sexy thing”?

When I first moved to LA, I stayed in the very room where he was accidentally killed. I was hoping there’d be some “residual energy” but alas Russ is solidly dead. From my friend (god, do I love to brag that she is one of my best girlfriends - I can’t wait until we are dowagers together, with lorgnettes and fainting couches, if only she’d move out here sooner), Eve Golden:

Lenny Kaye wrote a great book about Columbo, “You Call It Madness: The Sensuous Song of the Croon.”

For all of you eager for details: we walked by the swinger party. They had a red carpet and an awning - looks like Mr. Horner had hired a photog! There were two red directors chairs on the open porch (I likened them to thrones) and what seemed to be valets on the lawn. It obviously wasn’t in full swing yet … oh, bad pun. We went by the next morning but not a creature was stirring. The red carpet, awning, directors chairs, and orange parking cones remain.

Big Lou had us over for a fantastic Southern New Year meal and we rang in ‘08 in style. I’m not one for resolutions, so let’s turn to one of our favorites, Princess Luciana, for some advice to those who may have overindulged:

“Shock Dieting,” p. 63, “Exit Fat City,” The Beautiful People’s Diet Book:

“The patient who wants to reduce has a consultation to determine the nature of his compulsive eating. (I like how she writes “his.”) Peanuts, potatoes, doughnuts, ice cream — whatever it is you cannot resist is offered to you in bulk. Electrodes are wired to your hand and for each bite you take, the therapists give you a shock. Furthermore, at initial one-hour sessions, you are not allowed to stop eating. You may even be told to to just smell the food and still get shocks. Some patients are encouraged to continue the treatment at home by acquiring a portable shocker.”

I wonder where these places were? Did they just have storerooms full of doughnuts?

Oh, I finally made a flickr album. It’s here.

And I’m getting around to my “how I lost my last job” blog. It’s getting really good!