Lethal Dose

I’ve been looking over my email and realized that I do answer a fair amount of questions from my friends/readers. I asked a few if I could print them, using fake names, and they graciously agreed. Here’s a few, for your enjoyment.

Is it wrong to watch porn when my significant other is asleep? — Rocco S.

Dear Rocco,

NO! Be polite, though, and wear headphones if you’re at the computer. But don’t be one of those annoying people that “sing” with headphones on.

I can now count at least 6 of my exes on youtube. Does this mean I’m a slut? — TVToon

Dear TVT,

Well, I have a degree in Media Studies, so of course I don’t think you’re a slut - you’re just a resident of the global village. Reverse the situation and sing “It’s a Small World, After All” until you’ve gotten it out of your system. Best advice: just don’t look!

I have an ethical dilemma. I found a gift card to Macy’s and spent it (it had about $300 on it!) and now one of my gift-recipients wants to bring an item back. I’m afraid they’ll somehow find out that … well, you know. What should I do? — Sticky Fingers in Fresno

Dear Sticky,

Pretend that you have suddenly “gone green” and have gotten rid of all recyclable paper products and oops! the receipt must have gone with it. Be sure to use brown bags and “organic” materials the next time you see gift-recipient, and for the next occasion, buy them a gift card to Whole Foods. You can repay some “karma” that way too. Maybe.

My boyfriend does nothing but watch channel 62 (he doesn’t even speak Spanish!) and drink beer. If I’m lucky, he’ll head out for a taco or cigarettes but not for long. What should I do?

Can you get him to watch the Japanese or Indian channels for a bit of variety? Maybe he’s interested in culturally branching out … it certainly sounds like he’s adopting Mexican-American culture pretty well. If he won’t change the channel, unplug the set, don’t pay the cable bill, or take the satellite dish down. Or, you could just kick him out.