Lethal Dose

I’ve found gifts for everyone this year - everyone I don’t like! Most of my readers know how much I dislike Santa Claus and all “Xmasy” things. Now that I’ve found a black xmas tree, I’m ready to put these horrors underneath - I can only imagine the joy on people’s faces when they open stuff like:

Melting Santa - I can’t wait to strike the first match:

think of the fun if you replaced the label with an ivory soap one:

isn’t this stuff illegal?

For the crackheads in my family (multiple jars, please)

and their parents.

that strange relative with the “hannibal lecter” obsession:

let’s start a new family game: SMASH THE PIG!

“after a holiday dinner, the pig is broken”

here’s a handy double set for the older relatives:
goodness - WOODEN q-tips?

i love this description:

hmm … women? money? liquor?

now, on to getting ready. first, i’ve got to do my hair … but what style?
french roll? hair rat?

well, i’ve already decided what I’m going to wear. first, this handy germ-and-icky-relative- drunk-breath-kiss preventor:

and this stylish number, in “mental patient blue.” i found it before i discovered their “muumuus and floats” section.

all i need is a pair of slippers (rubber soled, natch) and i’m ready … we’ll end it all with large helpings of that DISGUSTING xmastime tradition that everyone hates, but pretends they like when someone gives it to them: