I’m checking it twice …
I’ve found gifts for everyone this year - everyone I don’t like! Most of my readers know how much I dislike Santa Claus and all “Xmasy” things. Now that I’ve found a black xmas tree, I’m ready to put these horrors underneath - I can only imagine the joy on people’s faces when they open stuff like:
Melting Santa - I can’t wait to strike the first match:
think of the fun if you replaced the label with an ivory soap one:
isn’t this stuff illegal?
For the crackheads in my family (multiple jars, please)
and their parents.
that strange relative with the “hannibal lecter” obsession:
let’s start a new family game: SMASH THE PIG!
“after a holiday dinner, the pig is broken”
here’s a handy double set for the older relatives:
goodness - WOODEN q-tips? 
i love this description:
hmm … women? money? liquor?
now, on to getting ready. first, i’ve got to do my hair … but what style?
french roll? hair rat?
well, i’ve already decided what I’m going to wear. first, this handy germ-and-icky-relative- drunk-breath-kiss preventor:
and this stylish number, in “mental patient blue.” i found it before i discovered their “muumuus and floats” section.
all i need is a pair of slippers (rubber soled, natch) and i’m ready … we’ll end it all with large helpings of that DISGUSTING xmastime tradition that everyone hates, but pretends they like when someone gives it to them:
