Lethal Dose

Vine Street, corner of Sunset. A few drunks are sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall. One gets up and staggers towards me. I’m ready.

“Are you a man?” he asks me.

“Uh, nope.”

“Oh, too bad … because I like men.”

I was about to tell him to keep walking until he hit Santa Monica Blvd, but I knew better. I have the freak-gene. They love me. Something about me calls out to them that I’m okay to talk to, harass, yell at, decide you’ve known forever, start in the middle of a conversation … I don’t know what it is. After 11 years in NY I got so attuned that when one of “them” sat next to me on the subway, my temples would start to twinge and I’d get up and move. It happens to me everywhere: Target, the DMV, Starbucks, Trader Joe’s, you name it. I got the freak-appreciation-gene from my Dad, a formidable character himself and a bartender for many years. I’m always fascinated by those who march to their own drummer, because god knows it’s a harder road. To go all out there - really lose your marbles and go wild - takes guts! There’s a homeless guy on the other side of Sunset and Vine who (I’ve posted his pix here, I think) regularly wears tattered women’s lingerie over his clothes. That takes work. He had reverted to menswear, much to my disappointment, but after the AFI festival in the neighborhood, I spotted him with a new blue dress on, and two matching AFI gift-tote bags. Just fantastic!

PS. Here he is, I took this in the summer:

Our model shows his support for the soldiers in this season’s latest combat fatigue trousers, along with a black, full-support sports bra, topped with a bright red lace teddy.

Now, I love American Apparel. I love jersey material, I love that I don’t have sweatshop guilt, and I love their real models. But seriously, who wears these? I live in the porn capital of the world and I see all kinds of hideous outfits (ruffly miniskirts year round; shorts with ugg boots) but I have yet to see anyone gracing my local Starbucks in any of these mindboggling leggings. And you know if I did, I would take a phone pic immediately!

What would Princess Luciana say?

I’m filled with holiday cheer, because it was 90 yesterday and I think it will be today, too. I like going into Starbucks and seeing all of the gifts and the tinsely things when I’m wearing a t-shirt and sandals. I also like getting emails like this one:

Dear Supporter,

Lead in toys? Mercury in mascara? Makes you wonder what else on your holiday shopping list is unsafe.

It sure does! Send me a list so I know what to buy everyone. It will take the guesswork out of shopping - and eliminate most of next year’s recipients at the same time!

light up, you sonofabitch.

Men who look like old lesbians.

Starbucks sugar-free gingerbread latte has a bizarre plastic aftertaste. Coffee Bean’s doesn’t come in sugar-free, which is probably why it tastes so damned good. That’s about as “holiday” as I get. Already last week I was aurally assaulted at Bed, Bath and Beyond by the scent of “holiday.” Of course “holiday” is a verb, just like the word “ranch,” but it’s now become a smell. An awful, evil smell of all things cinnamon-y and pumpkin-y. Most of my friends know that I believe Santa = Satan and every year there’s more proof of his evildoing. This year it appears to be the abolishing of Thanksgiving. Mind you, I grew up in New England, so I’ve had more than anyone’ share of pilgrims, happy turkeys tottering off to their decapitation, and joyful, giving Indians. I get depressed September 1st and remain so until May, which is why I moved out west, where fall and winter are things on a calendar, not outside. No more melancholy, sad days, filled with tryptophan, pondering the uselessness of life and why it’s okay to tell kids that a big, fat, white, older man can come in your house and will reward you, but if you see one on the street, run, or call the cops. However, if you see one at the mall, jump up on his lap so we can take a picture!

He’s pure evil.

Mark found this great site and it’s amazing we hadn’t seen it before. It’s full of juicy Hollywood tidbits, such as these:

Actress Attacked by a Gorilla-Like Man

1924 At midnight on June 9, 1927, actress Doris Williams, 21, also known as Doris Dore, was attacked here in her apartment at 1924 Argyle by an assailant who carved the letter “K” on different parts of her body. She told police that a gorilla-like individual broke into her apartment and attempted to attack her and when she hit him, he overpowered her and carved her with what she thought was a safety-razor blade. She fainted, and when she came to 30 minutes later, she was lying in a pool of blood. Police said that the wounds looked like they may have been made with a pin, needle, or a pen knife. The cuts and scratches would not disfigure her, she said. After several days of investigating , police suspected that she had made the story up but they were unable to prove it.

Women Capture Girl Bandit in Free-For-All

Miss Margaret Bell, 20, was arrested at 927 Burnside Ave. in July, 1931 while attempting to rob an apartment. She was taken into custody after she out-fought Mrs. J. Wood, whose apartment she was ransacking, and a neighbor woman who had gone to Mrs. Wood’s aid. Struggling like three Amazons, the women pulled hair, scratched and kicked, but the girl-bandit broke loose and got to the front door of the apartment building where she ran into the arms of two policemen, who had been called by other neighbors. She later told police that she would leave her hotel room at 729 W. 8th Street in L.A. every morning, take a bus to the Wilshire district where she looked around until she found an apartment where no one was home, then crawl in a window and rob the place.

2 SIU students accused of using hot cookies to burn man

November 7, 2007

EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. — Two students at Southern Illinois University in Edwardsville kidnapped, paddled and burned a young man with fresh-baked cookies after a drug deal went bad, prosecutors said. Rosario James, 23, and Jordan Sallis, 20, were charged Monday with aggravated kidnapping, robbery and aggravated battery.

Sheriff’s Capt. Brad Wells said that on Friday night, three men went to James’ house to buy marijuana, but two of them grabbed the drugs and fled. He said the suspects held the third man, demanded $400, beat the man with a wooden paddle, and burned his neck and shoulders with fresh-baked cookies. AP

The old “Oh, I thought it was a road” excuse!

MINEOLA, N.Y. (AP) — An off-duty police officer and her husband, a volunteer fire chief, rescued a woman from her stalled car seconds before a train smashed into it, police said. The 63-year-old driver apparently mistook the Long Island Rail Road tracks for a road Thursday evening, authorities said. Her car became stuck on the rails with a train fast approaching. She screamed that she couldn’t get out of the car and needed help, said witness Jennifer Freiermuth, 28. Randi LoCicero, off duty from her job at the New York Police Department, and Anthony LoCicero ran to the car as the crossing gates came down, Randi LoCicero said. As the train’s horn blared, the couple yanked open the door and pulled out the driver, who needed crutches to walk, Randi LoCicero said. Moments later, a train plowed into the car, overturning it and dragging it a short distance. Neither the woman nor anyone on the train was hurt, authorities said. “She was a little mad we didn’t get her pocketbook, but you know, that’s life,” Randi LoCicero said. The driver wasn’t identified.

Is it wrong to wonder what kind of purse it was?

I always called him “The Jack Nicholson of Allston.”

For all of us that knew and loved Bob and his almost-unbelievable life, I’ll toast him with one of his favorites, Johnnie Ray’s “The Little White Cloud That Cried.” I can hear him laughing now.

PS. I think I admired Bob most of all because he once went to Radio City on LSD, where Liberace flew out over the audience on diamond wings!

photo collage by MAbbott.

Thanks to Kiki Maraschino for sending this while I was on vacation. It’s been a long time since I wrote about train accidents and this one’s a doozy.

2 Killed On Train Tracks After Car, High Heels Stuck

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Police said two women were killed when a train shoved their car into them as they struggled in high heels to get away from the disabled vehicle.

The collision happened shortly after midnight Thursday when their 1996 Honda Passport got stuck on the tracks as its driver attempted to make a U-turn.

The women got out of the car but apparently struggled to flee the right-of-way as the train approached.

“It appears they were in high heels and having a hard time getting away quickly with the gravel they were walking on,” said police spokesman Steven Frasher.

Their escape was also blocked by a wall that runs alongside the railroad tracks, Frasher said.

The pair, both from San Bernardino, were taken to a hospital where the car’s 18-year-old passenger was pronounced dead. The 23-year-old driver died a few hours later, Frasher said.

Their names were withheld until authorities can contact relatives.

CBS had this picture but I think it’s a mockup: