Lethal Dose

Jim Turner suggested this one and dammit, it sure is good. Now, first off, we both blame Andy Paley, who found this record back in the 80s. I seem to recall he found an entire box of them, but that was a long time ago when we used to do things like chloral hydrates. In any case, it’s unforgettable, and it’s not going away anytime soon. Every now and then, someone will say, “Ever hear that song, ‘Hello Lucille Are You a Lesbian?’” That’s one “T. Valentine” singing, and his phrasing is so off that it becomes one bizarre, sordid haiku:

Hello, Lucille
Are you a lesbian?
Do you like
to go to bed
with women?

’cause
when i try to get some
she say she got a cold
when i wanna make love
she got female trouble
or that other thing
women have every month.

Huh? What other thing? There is a god, because Norton Records put this out on an entire T. Valentine CD (along w/the 45’s flipside, “Betty Sue” and other classics like “Black Power” parts 1 & 2) and you can listen to it here! (Be sure to read the reviews.)

She don’t have any tits
or wear makeup
or high heels!

By the end of the song (one reviewer gives the “reason behind” the song, but do we need one?), T.V. has lost what little grip he’s had on reality when he comes to the conclusion that

My sister is a lesbian!

He’s outnumbered.

*****

George Jones did a song that has to be one of the most annoying country/novelty (if I can call it that) records I’ve ever heard. It’s a conversation between “Daddy” and “Tina” (”Momma’s under the dryer,” obnoxious real-life stepdaughter Tina explains.) Tammy’s credited, but she’s not in the song per se, except as a character. The confusion that ensues is, I guess, supposed to be cute, but I don’t find arson, crying, or dumb kids funny. George liked songs about arson, as evidenced by the stupendous “I’m Gonna Burn Your Little Playhouse Down.” If you listen to the two songs together, the confusion makes sense, but I’m not sure that’s what George had in mind with
“The Telephone Call”:

Tina, let me talk to your mommy
I can’t right now Daddy, she’s under the dryer
Well, just tell her that the flame of love’s still burning
Mommy, Daddy just said he just caught on fire
Tina, just say I’ll be home early
I better not Daddy, she’s too upset about the fire!
No, the flames of love don’t mean there’s something burning
Mommy, I think Daddy just called you a liar!
Tell her I just called to say I love her
You better wait a while, Daddy, I think she’s really mad
Put down that phone and go and get your Mommy right now. (Finally!)
Daddy, I can’t talk anymore ’cause Mommy just walked right out the door … and I’m going with her. Bye Daddy. I wonder if I did something bad.

*****

I would write about the just-plain-wrong-in-so-many-ways “Memphis,” by Chuck Berry, but what more do you need to know than:

Marie is only six years old
information please
try and put me through to her
in Memphis Tennessee.

(shudder)

*****

Now, who’s to blame for all this phone madness? Sweet tells us in “Alexander Graham Bell,” truly a bizarre piece of music: history + glam rock = this:
+

He always knew just what he could do
He always knew that his dream would come true.

Alexander Graham Bell well he knew darned well
He could find the only way to talk across the U.S.A.
Telephone telephone never be on your own
Many many years ago he started something with his first “Hello”
‘Hello”
Alexander Graham Bell
Alexander Graham Bell
Alexander Graham Alexander Graham
Alexander Graham Bell

The sun rises early in the morning
Millions of people still unaware
Something he discovered without warning
So he could show a girl just how much he cared.

He always knew just what he could do
He always knew that his dream would come true.

Having had evidence of God above, we find further evidence in this video of Sweet teaching us a history lesson on youtube! (PS. Yes, I looked, there is no T Valentine there. Yet.) Dig the purple satin and that … lingering … camera.