Lethal Dose

Peter Holsapple sent me this masterpiece by Chuck Stephens the other day and it blew my mind. Thank the Infant of Prague that the incredible Phil Milstein has a link and everyone can listen! Howie and I are obsessed with it. Peter writes:

“Well… this is just one of the treasures that I found when I worked at Musical Maze at 23rd and 3rd Ave starting in 1979. George Scott from the Contortions and 8 Eyed Spy and the Raybeats worked there with me and was the singles buyer. He had a box of this because he recognized that it was just the greatest thing on earth.

I’ve never ever ever found anything about the guy Chuck Stevens. I don’t have the single anymore, but I’ve found this wonderful link where it was (I believe it’s Phil Milstein’s page.)

The label and number was JenJillus 800. The flip side was ‘Love You Madly’, which I have no idea how it goes. Chuck Stephens is the correct spelling.”

PS. Be sure to check Phil’s page of treasures, b/c, among other things, he’s got two Jack Palance songs on there (session 112.) If you’ve happened to stumble across Palance’s bone-chilling “performance” of “Hannah” on The Porter Wagoner Show, you’ll agree that “Sudden Fear” was more than just one of his movie titles.

I’m hooked on Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance and now Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance goes to Paris. Those girls have more guts (oh, bad pun, you know what I mean!) than I ever had, and they’re not afraid to show it, either. Check out this dance troupe in Cuba:

Formed a decade ago by Juan Miguel Mas, this company of obese dancers has become a cultural phenomenon in Cuba, breaking stereotypes here of dance, redefining the aesthetics of beauty and, along the way, raising the self-esteem of heavyset people.

Mas, 42, also choreographs pieces on themes like the tragedy of gluttony, love between obese couples, the prejudice that fat people face and the psychic toll of obesity.

One of the troupe’s recent successes is called “Sweet Death” and tells the story of a woman, rejected by her family, who tries to commit suicide by eating huge quantities of candy. The work has surreal elements, the dancers using their bodies to create furniture in the performance. Another piece, “The Macabre Dinner,” explores gluttony.

Bringing a whole new meaning to couch potato! I’m not gonna hang around and make bad puns, though, because my two coworkers are attacking me about my love of Fig Newtons.

I’m a piggy for figgy.

Jim Turner suggested this one and dammit, it sure is good. Now, first off, we both blame Andy Paley, who found this record back in the 80s. I seem to recall he found an entire box of them, but that was a long time ago when we used to do things like chloral hydrates. In any case, it’s unforgettable, and it’s not going away anytime soon. Every now and then, someone will say, “Ever hear that song, ‘Hello Lucille Are You a Lesbian?’” That’s one “T. Valentine” singing, and his phrasing is so off that it becomes one bizarre, sordid haiku:

Hello, Lucille
Are you a lesbian?
Do you like
to go to bed
with women?

’cause
when i try to get some
she say she got a cold
when i wanna make love
she got female trouble
or that other thing
women have every month.

Huh? What other thing? There is a god, because Norton Records put this out on an entire T. Valentine CD (along w/the 45’s flipside, “Betty Sue” and other classics like “Black Power” parts 1 & 2) and you can listen to it here! (Be sure to read the reviews.)

She don’t have any tits
or wear makeup
or high heels!

By the end of the song (one reviewer gives the “reason behind” the song, but do we need one?), T.V. has lost what little grip he’s had on reality when he comes to the conclusion that

My sister is a lesbian!

He’s outnumbered.

*****

George Jones did a song that has to be one of the most annoying country/novelty (if I can call it that) records I’ve ever heard. It’s a conversation between “Daddy” and “Tina” (”Momma’s under the dryer,” obnoxious real-life stepdaughter Tina explains.) Tammy’s credited, but she’s not in the song per se, except as a character. The confusion that ensues is, I guess, supposed to be cute, but I don’t find arson, crying, or dumb kids funny. George liked songs about arson, as evidenced by the stupendous “I’m Gonna Burn Your Little Playhouse Down.” If you listen to the two songs together, the confusion makes sense, but I’m not sure that’s what George had in mind with
“The Telephone Call”:

Tina, let me talk to your mommy
I can’t right now Daddy, she’s under the dryer
Well, just tell her that the flame of love’s still burning
Mommy, Daddy just said he just caught on fire
Tina, just say I’ll be home early
I better not Daddy, she’s too upset about the fire!
No, the flames of love don’t mean there’s something burning
Mommy, I think Daddy just called you a liar!
Tell her I just called to say I love her
You better wait a while, Daddy, I think she’s really mad
Put down that phone and go and get your Mommy right now. (Finally!)
Daddy, I can’t talk anymore ’cause Mommy just walked right out the door … and I’m going with her. Bye Daddy. I wonder if I did something bad.

*****

I would write about the just-plain-wrong-in-so-many-ways “Memphis,” by Chuck Berry, but what more do you need to know than:

Marie is only six years old
information please
try and put me through to her
in Memphis Tennessee.

(shudder)

*****

Now, who’s to blame for all this phone madness? Sweet tells us in “Alexander Graham Bell,” truly a bizarre piece of music: history + glam rock = this:
+

He always knew just what he could do
He always knew that his dream would come true.

Alexander Graham Bell well he knew darned well
He could find the only way to talk across the U.S.A.
Telephone telephone never be on your own
Many many years ago he started something with his first “Hello”
‘Hello”
Alexander Graham Bell
Alexander Graham Bell
Alexander Graham Alexander Graham
Alexander Graham Bell

The sun rises early in the morning
Millions of people still unaware
Something he discovered without warning
So he could show a girl just how much he cared.

He always knew just what he could do
He always knew that his dream would come true.

Having had evidence of God above, we find further evidence in this video of Sweet teaching us a history lesson on youtube! (PS. Yes, I looked, there is no T Valentine there. Yet.) Dig the purple satin and that … lingering … camera.

When I was moving to LA, driving through Oklahoma, I spotted a sign: “Infant of Prague Shrine.” Now, you know I immediately made a (brief - the pup being in the car, but it was February) detour and dashed inside. The ex-hub, to his credit, did have a sense of humor, which is why I married him … thought I wouldn’t recommend marrying anyone because their favorite Stooge is also Shemp. In fact, he (the ex, not Shemp Howard) even called me after we divorced as he was driving x-country again to tell me, “I just passed that Infant of Prague Shrine again!” But I digress. An IOP shrine in Prague, OK - huh? When I told the woman behind the counter that I was from Boston (holy of holies! second only to the Vatican!) she said, “There’s not many of us here.” I’m sure. I gotta join “The Association of the Infant Jesus of Prague.” I want a throne of gold! The IOP is such a queen.

National Shrine of the Infant Jesus of Prague

At the National Shrine of the Infant Jesus of Prague, thanksgiving and honor are given to Jesus Christ in his humanity.

The history of the devotion to the Miraculous Infant Jesus of Prague dates back more than four hundred years when a statue of The Holy Infant in the guise of a king* was brought to Prague, Czech Republic. It was a precious souvenir of Maria Manriquez de Lara, a Czech nobleman, in 1556. Because of the many miracles that occurred when people prayed to the Infant Jesus, a great devotion arose and has spread throughout the world. Statues of the Infant Jesus of Prague are found in churches and homes everywhere.

Devotion to the Infant Jesus of Prague were brought to Prague, Oklahoma, by Rev. George Johnson in 1947. Father Johnson credited the construction of the new church to the intercession of the Infant Jesus of Prague. Keeping his promise that he would establish a shrine to the Infant Jesus of Prague in the new church upon its completion, Father Johnson set a statue of the Infant Jesus of Prague “on a throne of gold” back of the main altar.statue

As the Iron Curtain fell around the communist countries of Eastern Europe, the faithful were unable to communicate with the Shrine in Prague, Czechoslovakia. Responding to the requests of the people, the Shrine in Prague, Oklahoma, was designated “The National Shrine of the Infant Jesus of Prague.” Since this time, people from around the world have been accepted into The Association of The Infant Jesus of Prague, and public devotions to the Infant Jesus have been offered. Each month a Novena of prayers are offered on the nine days from the seventeenth to the twenty-fifth. The Sunday that falls between the 17th and the 25th is designated “Pilgrimage Sunday”, and the public is invited to come to St. Wenceslaus Catholic Church and the National Shrine of the Infant Jesus for additional Prayers and benediction.

The Shrine is open daily from 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.

Self-guided tours are available during opening hours - Special group tours, by appointment.

A Gift Shop is open Monday- Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. which offers an array of religious items.

The National Shrine of the Infant Jesus of Prague
4th and Broadway, Box 488
Prague, OK 74864

*they obviously meant “queen”

… or, how Marky and I spend our lunch hour.

First, a leisurely lunch at Bugsy Siegel’s:

those are lipstick kisses on Bugsy’s crypt, not ketchup fingers.

then swing by Mr. and Mrs. Iron Eyes Cody’s place:

“Oh no, Iron Eyes - are these onions making you cry?”

… finally ending up at Virginia Rappe’s:

Marky: “Where’s Virginia ‘Bum’ Rappe?”
Virginia: “Keep eating those burgers, I’ll be calling YOU Fatty!”

Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel: the works!

Van Ness & Melrose: “ALEXANDER RULER OF THE WORLD!”

PS. We have no info on this building but it’s on Van Ness, before you get to Melrose. Marky and I have been watching its rapid evolution … I wonder if there’s any apartments for rent?

sometimes i go to ebay and search “baby jesus.” today brings a veritable bonanza!

mexican baby jesus. nice eyelashes, kid. that gold lame diaper makes it!

lawdy miss clawdy! infant of prague or queen elizabeth I?

you can find more pix of it in all of its queenly glory here.

the description is great: “DRESS IS CLEAN AND CRISP” “THIS IS A BEAUTIFULLY PAINTED AND DRESSED INFANT IN A MANAGABLE SIZE - JUST LOVELY. A VENERABLE OBJECT OF DEVOTION.”

manageable size? as opposed to an unmanageable infant of prague?

by the time the Baby J gets hummel-ized, he’s turned into a ceramic glazed blonde kewpie doll, wearing a white bathtowel for modesty:

what on earth is a “liquinet inc. baby jesus”? is that some kind of hairspray brand? all i can say to this one is, “jesus christ!”

“PERFECT FOR THAT CHRISTMAS PLAY OR OTHER RELIGOUS SITUATION. HE LOOKS SO GENTLE AND WISE.”

yeah … “other religious situations.” or rather, “RELIGOUS.” i’ve never heard of “christmas play” but then again, new fetishes continue to surprise me.

extra gowns! a slip! lace crinolines! ok, now i can’t stop.

“Here is a Vintage Infant Of Prague Figure with a fabulous jeweled crown and extra gowns. It is plaster and beautifully painted with blue glass eyes. This figure is wearing a fancy gold and white lace cape and gown over a white satin slip, also included are five extra gowns for holidays and a lace crinoline. ”

wow - hide and go seek IOP?

“ready or not, here I come!”

“they’ll never see me here!”

“He has lovely detail and has a removeable purple velvet cape trimmed in gold as well as his chalk one. The cross on his crown is loose but intact.Some loss of paint on back of head fingers tip of nose and back of vestment as shown.”

They also “use bubble and peanuts for safe arrival”

“bubble and peanuts!”

oh my. this is just plain wrong.

Constance Bennett illustrates for us, and I couldn’t agree more.

Oh! Eve and I are so happy, someone finally posted this on YouTube. It’s been one of our favorites for years. I wish she would have gone on for hours … in fact, I wish I was Constance Bennett!

“Wishing you loads and loads of loveliness”

today near Clinton, NC. photos by Mavis Martini.

Now, he’s a “proposed” Saint. How do you do that? Do they have a little wooden box at the Vatican that you can fill with ideas?

Saint Isidore of Seville Sanctus Isidorus Hispalensis
Proposed Patron Saint of Internet Users

(c.560 - 636)

A Prayer before Logging onto the Internet and the Catholic Online Forum (which is where i found this.)

Almighty and eternal God,
who created us in Thy image and bade us to seek after all that is good,
true and beautiful,
especially in the divine person of Thy only-begotten Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ,
grant we beseech Thee that,
through the intercession of Saint Isidore,
bishop and doctor,
during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee
and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen

I love the Whip! now, now, i know what you’re thinking. and even though i love the sound of a cracking whip (there’s just something about it!), it’s not that kind of whip i’m talking about. i’m talking about THIS:

whipped fatty?

oh yes, you remember them alright … and only a company named “Mengels” could invent them because that’s pretty much what happened to your neck after you rode one. these sadists started off with a kiddie version, to get you acclimated to being whipped around frantically and react with joy:

if you google it you can find lots of nice photos and a bit of history. they’ve been around for ages, so whatever genius came up with the thought of spinning people around a track at a fast speed so their necks snap like a whip while their stomach lurches had the right idea! and so a generation of pepto-bismol slugging future masochists begins.