Princess Luciana Pignatelli
is our higher power. If you haven’t read any of my myspace blogs, you are in for one hell of a treat! She has graced us with three books and Mavis Martini and I are proud to call them our bibles. She now has a wikipedia page.
Bless Ghost Traveller for finding these brilliant books. I’ve taken the liberty to post their choice selection of comments:
Princess Luciana Pignatelli (Princess of where is never really established) collected these pearls of wisdom from her high brow social circle of rich bulimic plumbing eroders and pill popping beach trolls - circa 1970. In between blowing their elderly multi millionaire husbands and shtupping the pool boy, these philanthropic angels of Olay took the time to bless us, the Average American Midwestern Fatty, with the magical knowledge that got them the keys to the kingdom.
“It does not matter what you start with, try to get by on nature alone past 30 and you are finished.”
“In my ex-husband’s house, everyone was unhappy, even the parrot. It was my fault, too. With two strong personalities, either you pull together or you destroy each other. What does this have to do with beauty? Lots!”
“Every woman over 30 needs a homosexual in her life.”
“For protection midsummer when the sun is strongest, I try to keep my face in the shade. Last year in Sardinia, where we all ended up nude on a deserted beach, I put my bikini on my face.”
“…the rage a few years ago with the chic Paris homosexuals, is this: Take the white of one egg, a teaspoon of the best olive oil, beat, and apply for 20 minutes. Remove with hot face towel, lace trim optional.”
“…with an active life, one tries to keep hair so simple that it can be washed at home if necessary.”
º”As for split ends, I twist as much hair at a time as will go around a finger, then quickly singe the ends that stick out and will not twist, with a lit candle.”
Chapter 5: Have a Lift
“I understand that there is a Paris doctor who does eyelash implants. Next time I go to Paris, I intend to look into it.”
“…not always sitting with her legs crossed. (You tend to cross your legs with the same one always on top. In the long run, the inner thigh of the under leg gets flabby as a result.)”
” As for losing weight, Waldner suggests that the best times are when the moon is in Taurus or the sun is in an Earth sign.”
Beauty by astrological sign: Aries - “must have frequent dental check ups”; Taurus - “should marry man of means”; Gemini - “often the face is too long or the nose is too long or big”; Cancer - “tends to be lazy about beauty and should be encouraged to make the effort”; Leo - if ambitions not fulfilled, can have difficult menopause”; Virgo - “Remains surprisingly youthful despite hypochondriac tendency”; Libra - “rarely gets fat”; Sagittarius - “is torn between bright, amusing men who are good talkers and her desire for a solid social position”; Scorpio - “hypersexual and often attracted to men who are her inferiors”; Capricorn - “always well turned-out and insists on quality in clothes”; Aquarius - “often slightly neurotic and with fragile health”; Pisces - “feet are weak point and pedicures essential”
There are the cheetahs of this world, and the hippopotami.”
º “The beautiful people eat well and they are not fat.”
º”‘If you can stay on vegetable bouillon one day a week, it’s marvelous for you’, says Françoise de la Renta, wife of Oscar, the New York fashion designer. “You drink three quarts in twenty-four hours, preferably while resting, because lying down makes it more diuretic.’”
º”…when you walk, you pretend you have a gold coin between your buttocks.”
º”You see, I’m very gourmande, which means I should be given all the more credit for not getting fat.”
º”I am a mineral water fiend, like most beautiful people…”
º”Even the airlines, while insisting that their flight personnel keep trim, do not dare weigh in passengers along with their baggage, though I think that would be a lovely idea. Why should I have to pay for thirty pounds of excess baggage when the man next to me does not pay a cent for his fifty pounds of excess flesh?”
“…the Simeons diet, which consists of 500 strictly balanced calories plus one injection per day of human chorionic gonadotropin, a substance extracted from the urine of pregnant women.”
“For heightened perception without drugs plus rapid weight loss, nothing beats the oldest known treatment for obesity: total starvation.”
And finally, there is an entire chapter devoted to not allowing your infant children to become “little fatsoes.”
Here’s a teaser from the diet book jacket:
“How do you deal with a social calendar that presents all too many chances to overindulge at dinners and parties?”
“How does a woman with a busy schedule fit in the exercises that help her stay trim?”
“How can a working woman cope with business lunches?”
“How can a mother guide a teen-ager away from puppy fat?”
“Whatever your diet problem - there’s help for you in the pages of this lively and useful book. One highly entertaining chapter presents experiences of celebrities who have stayed at “fat farms” ranging from spartan English hydros to the luxurious beauty farms like Maine Chance and the Texas Greenhouse.”
Here’s some chapter titles:
put a buzzer on the fridge
how do they always look so good?
take it off
exit fat city
weighing in at the fat farrm
a little round is sound
baby fat has to go
wheat germ or garbage bombs?
men who measure up
Sadly, this was a disappointment - all cottage cheese (ugh!)
but this is on the way …
