Lethal Dose

the Veranda Rights

My ex, The Baron (the penniless aristocrat) once invited me over to his new apartment in Hollywood. “It’s on Fountain … in Hollywood, not far from West Hollywood. It has hardwood floors and a veranda,” he said, sweeping his arms. He was always so grand. Of course, I was giving him furniture which is why he wanted me to come over. Although we had split years before I maintained the foolish delusion that we could be friends, as he was now a responsible adult who was, you know, good with money and things. Besides, I can be stupidly loyal - he had taken care of me long after we broke up and I was going through a hard time. I forget things like “taking care of me” meant I still paid my own rent, etc. I guess it just meant he sat up and listened to me when he was drunk, which was pretty much what he did when we were a couple anyway. Although he was the one who did most of the talking.

I arrived at the address (a two story wood frame with a sagging porch lit up by the adjacent “LIQUOR” sign next door ) on the bad end of Fountain far from West Hollywood. Needless to say his wood floors were pergo and shall I continue? You can only guess that I was out not only furniture but some money as well, and The Baron is no longer in my rolodex.

Magic Marky and I use the word “veranda” as a sort of code and he made this up. It’s so good, I had to share it:

Miranda Rights
The Miranda rights rule is a doctrine that a criminal suspect in police custody must be informed of certain constitutional rights before being interrogated. The suspect must be advised of the right to remain silent, the right to have an attorney present during questioning, and the right to have an attorney appointed if the suspect cannot afford one. If the suspect is not advised of these rights or does not validly waive them, any evidence obtained during the interrogation cannot be used against the suspect at trial.

Veranda Rights
The Veranda rights rule is a doctrine for single women with myspace admirers (suspects). The suspect must be advised of the right to remain silent of all sweet talk and promises, the right to have current or lingering girlfriends present, and the right to have a clinical psychiatrist appointed if the suspect cannot afford one. If the suspect is not advised of his rights or does not validly waive them, any evidence obtained during interrogations, dates or sleepovers cannot be used against the suspect if he turns out to be a cad, sex or drug addict, or pathological liar.